Okay, coming back post. It's nearly two months since I've decided to update my blog. Not that I'm too upset to do so - I might sound emo the previous posts, but that doesn't mean my wounds don't heal - I'm just too busy to do so!

Since I came back from the trip in Wuhan, other than rushing to complete the last few assignments, I've been pretty much wasting my time tying up loose knots here and there. And yes, after all of these efforts to sort out my life, a matter-of-fact fact has been confirmed: I am no longer who I am as before.

^ A new look, a new life with Derrick.

Though I might still have the same habits and preferences, and definitely a similar outlook - I've changed my hairstyle, by the way ^^ - some perspectives of mine, whether towards issues or towards the people around me, have evolved and/or changed completely. For example, I no longer see the world in any fair order anymore; in some matters, there is no such thing called "equality" - just because you are an involved party doesn't necessarily give you the right to make your point. Hence, the so-called objective yet judgmental persons as well as the gossipy passerbys could have the choice of saying and perceiving whatever they wish.


It was firstly the HH-RZ issue - many of my friends now sure know I broke up with him already back in Wuhan - no matter what I said, many people, including my parents whom I always thought would support and most importantly trust me, I am seen as "the cruel executioner". No, no one ever cared whether I was hurt, physically and emotionally, at all. To these people, I am just the senseless girl who has hurt their son / hurt a boy whom they feel is suitable for me, or rather, fitting to their criteria of an obedient son.

Oh well, screw them. The son, as I would like to call him in their sense, has not been the only victim in this case; apparently, I am a victim too. An abused one, at that. And if they really like him so much to be their son, go ahead and marry him. I'm not going to, 'cause I don't love him in the very least.

And no, I had agreed to date him not for reasons / excuses such as money. I had got together with him when I thought he was a person who will respect me for who I am - not forcing me to do things which I have declined so many times I found it disgustingly annoying, and degrading me just because he feels a need to overpower me. As the saying goes, "Time would prove who s/he really is". Now I believe that, true to my heart.

The second issue is related to my privacy. Although it may be essential at times to share what you are thinking or planning to do so as to avoid conflict, you might be, in a way, giving up your privacy already. Some people are just not sensitive enough to know when to stop digging into your mind, for the most bizarre reasons. And when they don't get to know what they want to hear, they jump into conclusions and start spreading stupid rumours around. The funniest persons involved in this sort of situation, though, would be those whom you thought were impartial and influential figures who never question nor ask you anything about the rumours before they jump into a conclusion and start disliking you.

^ Why should I be bothered with these people anymore? They don't want to find out what it is really going on from my point of view.

And yes, I laugh at them. Not feeling anything much anymore for myself 'cause I realised it's pretty stupid; having any form of emotion does not change the situation at all. I am just yet another screwed-up kid or bad girl.

Thirdly, I could confirm, no matter where you go, people distinguished you as where you came from, i.e. your origins, and not how hardworking or capable you are - no, I'm none of these characteristics. Still, for that, you may be given a choice, but people may have a choice of not choosing you. In other words, you are limit to no choices at all in the so-said fair world or system. You are only entitled to be allocated somewhere without any agreement whatsoever.

Fourthly, I have come to unfortunately be aware of, is how vulnerable - I would prefer the word "weak", though - I've become. Surrounded by people who are known to be capable and intelligent as well as a healthy social network, I have placed myself under circumstances that no matter how hard I try to try, it is never enough. From schoolwork to part time jobs and even the application of internships, there is never the slightest bit of leeway for me to make my stand.

Sometimes I really wish to just quit school now and work for the rest of my life. Whether it will work for me or not, I don't know. As for internships, I kinda give up already. No matter how many times I am told to try for them, some issue will just pop up and jeopardise any chances for me. Anyways, no one bothers, so what about it? I'm neither exactly equipped with plenty of contacts nor capable enough to deserve any opportunity to work with a really good company. The more I try, the more disappointing it is for me.

One thing to clarify before I decide to return to my piling assignments: I have written this post not to defame anyone, but rather, I see this as an avenue to vent my thoughts and frustration cooped up in me for so long. No one has quite know and understood all these issues of my life, so yeah.

^ Good girl turn bad? Yeah, they are really gone forever.